SHARPA MARRIAGE(NEPAL)

As you approach a certain age you are made cognizant of a package with a ‘made-in-heaven’ label. This contrivance is known more appropriately as marriage.

Between finding the person who is going to try together with you to run this contrivance, and the first time you try it out, is the task of assembling the efforts and events that lead up to marriage.

It is this intermediate period that we shall concern ourselves here, in the case of the Sherpas.

The Sherpas are always keen on doing things on the right day, cosmologically put, on an auspicious day.

The day selected to approach the girl’s house with a marriage proposal is decided after consulting the astrological charts of the prospective bride and groom. Their animal signs, which are conferred upon them according to their birth dates, are also matched for compatibility. The contingent that travels to the girl’s house comprises of a few of the boy’s close relatives; preferably, those whose parents are still alive, and, if they have living grandparents, so much the better. The groom’s parents however, are not part of this party to the bride’s house.This going-over to the bride’s house to ask for her hand in marriage is known as Sodené (‘To Ask’). The ceremony is basically the presenting by the boy’s party of a jar of home-made beer, chhyang, to the girl’s parents. With the beer accepted and drunk, the girl implicitly belongs to the boy’s family.

The duration between the engagement (Sodené) and the marriage is indefinite. The boy is permitted by custom to visit the girl’s house and stay, and physical relations are initiated by the couple.

The next ceremony in the sequence of them leading up to the marriage ceremony is the Dem-Chhyang. The people who constitute the wedding procession, or janti, on the wedding day go to the girl’s house for Dem-Chhyang. The groom is not part of this procession. Though the groom’s family expresses their desire to hold Dem-Chhyang first, the date is mutually selected by the two sides. Chhyang is once again carried as a gift by the groom’s party.

Once in the girl’s house, and as a show of respect to the girl’s side, the boy’s relatives show respect by offering them chhyang and by placing khata scarves on their shoulders. With these gestures of respect completed, those present from the girl’s side respond by inviting the janti for a meal at their houses. This is known as Janti-Kyongup, meaning ‘To Entertain the Procession’. Turn-by-turn, each member of the bride’s kin must host the boy’s relatives. The duration of the Janti-Kyongup varies, depending on the number of the host families. With the procession’s need of victuals more than met, they depart. Dem-Chhyang serves to buttress the tacit ties between the couple, the foundations of which were laid during the Sodené.

Dem-Chhyang, though a decisive ceremony, does not hasten the sides towards the wedding. Time is given to the girl’s family to prepare for the wedding day. The duration is again indeterminate.

A virtuous bride—every groom’s family thinks highly of their prospective daughter-in-law—is someone one wants to usher into their household as soon as possible. ‘As soon as possible’ may possibly turn into just—‘soon’.

So we come to the next ceremony: Pey-Chhyang (from pey meaning ‘consultation’). After a considerate period (considerate because the boy’s side make their decisions keeping in mind the girl’s family, always) from Dem-Chhyang, the party on the boy’s side sets out on an auspicious day to the girl’s house with a proposed date for the wedding. This tentative date may be set at least six months hence.

The girl’s household is informed of the arrival of the boy’s party for Pey-Chhyang, and invite the people who were present for Dem-Chhyang. These invitees have a say on the selection of the wedding date, for they have once again to host the janti on the wedding day. The date proposed by the boy’s side may or may not be accepted as the girl’s side deem appropriate. If rejected, the boy’s side must come on another day, with a new date for the wedding.

If the date is accepted, this is what follows.

A week before the wedding day, in the bride’s house, the Nor Longgup is held. ‘Nor’, in Sherpa, means ‘property’; hence, Nor Longgup is the ‘Request for Dowry’ ceremony. The bride’s parents, who have kept aside their parental contribution, turn on this day to their close relatives and neighbors to make contributions to their daughter’s dowry.

Today, the gifts that are given in dowry may have come a long way from the old days when a blanket of yak-wool was the best gift one could give, which was given only by the closest of relatives. The value of the gifts given reflects the relation that binds the giver and the recipient; the closer the ties, the costlier the gift.

The Sherpas are well-versed in the art of gift-giving. The items given as gifts during Nor Longgup are selected so as to assist in the daily life of the bride. This prudence in gift-giving is reflected in the tradition of presenting the bride with large copper jars for storing water. The rationale for this gift being the lack of availability of running water.

While presenting gifts one has to declare its value. The value is then recorded and, when a girl from that person’s family is married, a gift of an equal, if not higher, value is presented.

On the day of the Nor Longgup the bride’s parents request from amongst those present the services of their daughters to be kermens. The bride’s dowry is required by custom to be transported manually and this responsibility falls to these kermens, young girls, who also befriend the bride on her way to the groom’s house.

The groom’s wedding procession includes the same people who were in the party for Dem-Chhyang, to which more may be added, including one known as Kholluwa, a layman who can perform the duties of a priest, and the other, of course, the groom. The groom is clad in a yellow brocade bakkhu (gown), a traditional cap and, preferably, high boots.

Chhyang, the pre-eminent item, is carried in wooden jars, called dozum. The groom’s party also carries femar, a conical cake made by kneading flour with butter, the size of which stands for the status of the family. The groom’s femar is later exchanged with the one prepared by the bride’s side.

The Kholluwa always leads the wedding procession, carrying a painting—the Sipa Kholu painting. The Kholluwa is thus positioned to allow him to ward off evil spirits from the path of the procession. Conchs are blown to signal the start of the journey to the bride’s house and to offer protection against negative forces. A fire lit in the courtyard signals to the bride’s relatives the advent of the groom’s wedding procession or janti. The Kholluwa performs the Serkim, a religious ritual, before the janti start off.

The wedding procession from the groom’s house to the bride’s is almost solemn; there is no singing or dancing on the way. Important articles for the return journey’s dancing are brought along, however, including several yak-tails, preferably white, and a sword.With incense burning in the bride’s courtyard, young girls with bread, chhyang and curd await in a line to welcome the wedding procession.

Upon the janti’s arrival, the Kholluwa once again performs the Serkim, and the janti enter the bride’s house and are seated. The seating pattern is hierarchical; women usually sit on the floor, and men and women sit separately.

A light meal is served, after which the bride’s side initiate the process of introduction, known as Mola. A person from the bride’s side alludes to the janti’s attire, jewellery, physiognomy, in a light manner bordering on jest. A person from the groom’s side, chosen just for this occasion returns the compliments with bantering remarks.

After this, the groom changes into a lighter bakkhu (gown) and everyone sits down to a meal.

The meal is followed by the Janghtar, where the girl’s relatives are offered chhyang, which must be drunk from the same cup, and khatas are placed on their shoulders. This is done in a hierarchical order. The groom’s party must then sing at least three songs and dance to them. This is done for good fortune.

Then people from the bride’s side invite the janti to their homes for a meal. This hosting of the janti lasts for several days. The schedule for this hosting is so fixed that the last host family on a day is a close relative of the bride and must provide shelter for some of the janti.

On the day of the janti’s departure a ceremony called the Gyen-Kudup is held. A pair of ‘swastik’ signs (for good luck), one for the groom and the other for the bride, are made out of rice grains on a yak-wool blanket laid out flat. After the groom dons his ceremonial brocade gown once again, it is auspicious for the couple to tread on this blanket with their right foot. The groom must sit on the right, the bride to his left, both accompanied by a friend. A literate person from the bride’s side then addresses all those present, reading aloud the contents of the bride’s dowry and the values. The Kholluwa performs the Serkim, and curd is given to the bride and groom to eat. Two elders, one from the bride’s and one from the groom’s side, are selected to put butter on the groom’s and the bride’s head, respectively. They bestow blessings and advice upon the newly wedded. Thereafter, shouts of “lha-gyalo!” break out in unison, thrice, meaning ‘Victory to the Gods’, and hence, victory to everyone present.

Yak-tails flourishing, swords brandishing, conchs bellowing, with a accompaniment of bukshyal (cymbals) a few from the janti party break into the Silli Chombuk, a spirited dance that is kept up until they reach the groom’s house.

The newlyweds ask for the blessings of their parents. The bride presents gifts to her parents and siblings, then takes their leave.

A fire is lit in the bride’s courtyard to let the groom’s household know of the janti’s return. The Kholluwa leads the groom, followed by the bride, along with the kermens carrying the dowry. In

the courtyard, female representatives from every family that hosted the janti are lined up, holding chhyang jars. The Kholluwa dips dhupi (incense) saplings into the jars to perform Serkim, which culminates in cries of “lya-gyalo” and the tossing of rice grains. The womenfolk lie up and, in return for their hospitality, are paid money by the janti, starting with the groom’s parents who pay the highest amount. The other members of the janti pay less, varying with their relation to the groom. With the conclusion of this ceremony, the janti proceeds to the groom’s house.

The procession is welcomed at the groom’s house by young girls and after Serkim the bride is ushered into her new home. The janti disperse after a brief session of dancing and singing. Dong-chhyang commences on the same day and continues for several days during which the groom’s relatives visit the household with gifts. This gift-giving also happens in a hierarchical order; the closest relatives visit first followed by more distant ones and by neighbors. The gifts given are recorded and, when a similar event takes places, must be reciprocated.

The kermen girls are hosted by the groom’s relatives for a few days accompanied by the bride. This acquaints the bride to her new relations. On the day of the kermens’ departure the groom’s side sends a messenger to the bride’s house with a summons. A small party consisting of the bride’s parents and close relatives arrive and a meal is served. Dancing and singing also occur. The details of the dowry are announced from a document and the bride’s father hands over this document to the eldest member of the groom’s family. This small contingent then departs together with the kermen, who bid farewell to the bride by singing songs addressed to the groom and his parents, expressing both the faith they have in them and a request to treat their friend well.

This culturally rich and fascinating manner of Sherpa marriage, of uniting two people, is unique in the collective effort of the parents, relatives and neighbors involved. It is a social occasion in its truest sense, reflecting strong communal bonds. Times have changed and so have the traditional modes of marriage just described. So, this account of how it was done traditionally, in the old days, may not necessarily be consistent with the prevalent modes of modern Sherpa marriage.

If any of you bachelors reading this decide (and if our story has anything to do with your decision) to marry, I wish you all the luck. But, since I started by stating the institution of marriage as a contrivance in a somewhat salesman-like manner (though I neither promote or put down the idea of marriage) I am obliged to say to you: caveat emptor.